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Available 24/7 • Fully Licensed*

Every Season is Deer Season

Professional wildlife relocation services. Fast. Discreet. No questions asked. Because real hunters don't need the government's permission.

95% Success Rate
Same-Day Service
Ranger Evasion Training
Get Started Today Our Services

* Licensing status may vary by jurisdiction. Some restrictions apply. Your secret's safe with us... unless there's a reward.

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What We Offer

Our Services

Comprehensive wildlife relocation solutions for the discerning outdoorsman

Deer Relocation

Relocate trophy bucks any time of year. Specializing in 8-point and above. Season? Never heard of her.

  • Night vision equipment provided
  • Silent approach techniques
  • Quick field processing
  • Trophy preservation tips
Starting at $299*
MOST POPULAR

Evasion Training

Learn our patented "Swamp Dodge" maneuver and other ranger avoidance techniques. Leave nothing but boot prints and confusion.

  • Full-day training course
  • Free camo balaclava included
  • Citation talk-down strategies
  • Map of all Blaine County fence gaps
Only $499

Legal Consultation

Our lawyers are only one county over! Get expert advice on "totally legal" wildlife management strategies.

  • 30-minute phone consultation
  • Plausible deniability scripts
  • Bail bond referrals
  • Court appearance tips (if needed)
$149/consultation

* Prices subject to change based on wildlife availability, ranger patrol schedules, and moon phase. Rush fees may apply for game warden proximity situations.

The PoachPro Advantage

Why Real Hunters Choose Us

Because asking permission is for amateurs

01

Fully Unlicensed Team

Our team operates with complete freedom from bureaucratic red tape. No licenses means no limits!

02

95% Success Rate

We've successfully "relocated" wildlife for hundreds of satisfied customers. Only 3 court appearances last year!

03

24/7 Availability

Wildlife doesn't sleep, and neither do we. Our burner phone is always on, day or night.

04

Discretion Guaranteed*

Your secret's safe with us. We use encrypted communications and never keep written records.

05

Local Expertise

We know every back road, fence gap, and blind spot in Blaine County. Rangers? We know their schedules.

06

Free Equipment

Every client gets a complimentary camo balaclava and our exclusive fence gap map. Because we care.

500+
Wildlife "Relocated"
6 Years
Evading Authorities
97%
Would Recommend**
Our Story

About PoachPro

Born from frustration, built on freedom

How We Started

Founded in 2019 by Marcus "Moose" Henderson after his third citation for "hunting out of season" (the deer was literally standing in front of him, what was he supposed to do?), PoachPro was born from a simple question: why should the government tell us when we can hunt?

Marcus spent six months in the Blaine County courthouse fighting his case. He met dozens of other hunters facing similar "unjust" citations. That's when he realized — this wasn't just about him. This was about freedom.

After his third court appearance (and second conviction), Marcus liquidated his savings, bought a burner phone, and started offering "wildlife relocation consultation services" out of his pickup truck. Word spread fast in the hunting community.

2019

The Beginning

Marcus gets his third citation. PoachPro is born in a gas station parking lot.

2020

First Success

Helped 47 hunters avoid citations using the original "Swamp Dodge" technique.

2021

Going Professional

Hired our first lawyer (well, his license was suspended but he still knew the law).

2022

Expansion

Launched the roadkill salvage program. Insurance fraud has never been easier.

2023

Legal Troubles

Brief investigation by the Game Commission. All charges mysteriously dropped after witnesses "forgot" key details.

2024

Thriving Business

500+ active clients. Only 12 arrests this year (down from 23 last year!).

Meet The Team

Our expert staff has over 60 years of combined experience evading game wardens, manipulating paperwork, and finding legal loopholes.

M

Marcus "Moose" Henderson

Founder & Chief Evasion Specialist

3 convictions, 0 regrets. Expert in swamp navigation and ranger psychology.

R

Richard "Rick" Donovan

Legal Advisor*

Former lawyer. License currently "on hold" pending review. Knows every loophole in the SA hunting code.

*Not currently licensed to practice law in San Andreas

D

Danny "Dent" Martinez

Roadkill Specialist

Former auto body technician. Can make any vehicle look like it hit a deer. Specializes in "accident reconstruction."

S

Sarah "Scout" Williams

Ranger Intelligence Officer

Maintains our database of ranger shift schedules, patrol routes, and coffee break times. Never caught once.

Accidents Happen

Hit a Deer? We Can Help.

Turn that unfortunate accident into a trophy opportunity

Roadkill Salvage & Trophy Conversion Services

Let's be honest — sometimes deer jump right in front of your truck. Totally unavoidable. And it just so happens to be a massive 12-pointer. What a coincidence, right?

"Accidental" Impact Documentation

We'll help you file the necessary paperwork claiming it was a vehicular accident. Our team specializes in creating believable damage patterns on your vehicle's bumper.

Trophy Preservation

That roadkill doesn't have to look like roadkill. We'll clean it up, mount it, and no one will ever know it came from Route 68 at 2 AM.

Paperwork Assistance

We know all the forms. Salvage permits, accident reports, insurance claims — we'll make sure your story is airtight. Mostly airtight. Somewhat airtight.

The "Perfect Storm" Package

For when the deer "jumped out" at exactly the right moment. We'll even help you practice your story for when you tell your buddies how you "had no choice."

Report Your "Accident"

Available 24/7 for those late-night "emergencies"

Roadkill Recovery

$199
  • On-site pickup within 30 minutes
  • Evidence removal from scene
  • Basic field processing
  • Accident report consultation
  • Bumper damage assessment
*Price increases if ranger is already on scene

Premium "Accident" Package

$399
  • Everything in Roadkill Recovery
  • Professional mount preparation
  • Photoshopped "action" photos
  • Fake hunting story consultation
  • Social media alibi package
  • Witness coordination (if needed)
*Most Popular for "Trophy Accidents"

Legal Disclaimer: PoachPro strongly encourages you to report all vehicular-wildlife incidents to local authorities within 24 hours, as required by law. Any resemblance to illegal hunting activities is purely coincidental. We're definitely talking about real accidents. Definitely. Wink wink.

Know Your Enemy

The San Andreas Game Commission

Understanding the bureaucrats who want to ruin your fun

San Andreas Game Commission

Meet the San Andreas Game Commission: where overpaid desk jockeys who've never field-dressed a deer dictate when, where, and how YOU can hunt. They call it "conservation." We call it government overreach with a badge. Here's why they're basically the DMV of the outdoors.

"Hunting Seasons"

Created by people who sit in offices

Because apparently, deer only exist during certain months of the year. The Commission's "biologists" claim this is for "population management" and "sustainability." We call it "telling you what to do for no reason."

PoachPro Take: Deer are available 365 days a year. Math checks out.

License Fees

$85 for a piece of paper

They want you to pay $85 for the privilege of doing something humans have done for thousands of years. And that's just the basic license! Want a deer tag? That's extra. Waterfowl stamp? Extra. It's a subscription service for your rights.

PoachPro Take: That's $85 you could spend on ammunition instead.

Game Wardens

18 in Blaine County alone

The Commission employs an army of rangers whose sole job is to hide in bushes and ruin your day. They get paid $65,000/year to write tickets to people who forgot their duck stamp or shot a deer 10 minutes after sunset.

PoachPro Take: We know their shift schedules. Just saying.

Regulations Handbook

347 pages of nonsense

The current regulations book is 347 pages long. THREE HUNDRED FORTY-SEVEN. You need a law degree to understand when you can shoot what, where, with which ammunition, during which lunar phase, while facing which direction.

PoachPro Take: We condensed it to one page: "Don't get caught."

Bag Limits

Because they don't trust you

Apparently, you're only responsible enough to harvest 2 deer per season. Not 3. Not 4. Exactly 2. Because the Commission knows better than you how much venison your family needs for the winter.

PoachPro Take: The deer population in Blaine County is 45,000. They won't miss a few extra.

Penalties

Absolutely ridiculous

Get caught with an out-of-season deer? $1,500 fine, hunting license suspended for 3 years, possible jail time, and they confiscate your equipment. For a DEER. Meanwhile, actual criminals get probation.

PoachPro Take: That's why we offer evasion training and legal defense packages.

$47M

Annual Commission budget funded by YOUR license fees

142

Full-time bureaucrats who've never field-dressed a deer

12,000+

Citations issued last year (generating $4.2M in revenue)

Tired of Being Told What to Do?

PoachPro believes in the constitutional right to harvest wildlife on your own terms. Join hundreds of hunters who've taken back their freedom.

Break Free From Bureaucracy

*Results may vary. PoachPro is not responsible for fines, jail time, or equipment confiscation. Consult with our legal team for details.

Client Success Stories

What Our Clients Say

Real reviews from real hunters (names changed for legal reasons)

★★★★★

"Hit a deer with my F-150 at 3 AM on Route 68. Or at least that's what the police report says. PoachPro had someone there in 20 minutes with a fresh set of bumper dents and a salvage permit. My freezer's full and the insurance company never suspected a thing."

D
Dave M.
Grapeseed, BC
★★★★★

"The Swamp Dodge saved my hunting license when a warden came out of nowhere. I was knee-deep in mud within seconds. They never found my rifle. Lost a boot though. Still worth it for that 10-pointer."

T
Trevor S.
Sandy Shores, BC
★★★★☆

"Lost one star because I still got the citation, but their lawyer reduced it from a $2,000 fine to $500. Plus I got to keep the deer. The judge looked annoyed but whatever, free venison."

R
Ron J.
Paleto Bay, BC
★★★★★

"Been using PoachPro for three years. Haven't bought a hunting license since 2022. The fence gap map alone has saved me hundreds in fees. My neighbor thinks I'm just 'really lucky' during hunting season."

M
Mike K.
Great Chaparral, BC
★★★★★

"The roadkill package is genius. My truck already had front end damage from an actual accident last year, so when I 'accidentally' hit that buck in August, the damage looked totally legit. Insurance paid for the repairs AND I got the deer."

B
Brad W.
Harmony, BC
★★★☆☆

"Three stars because I got caught. BUT their legal team got me out of jail time and into community service. Judge banned me from owning firearms for 2 years, but PoachPro's rental program has me covered. Technically not 'owning' right?"

J
Jimmy P.
Paleto Bay, BC
★★★★★

"My ex-wife testified against me in court. PoachPro's witness coordination service handled it perfectly. Their 'memory improvement' techniques worked wonders. Charges dropped. Five stars."

C
Carl D.
Grape Seed, BC
★★★★★

"Ranger pulled up while I was field dressing an elk in March. MARCH. Used the script from PoachPro's citation talk-down guide. Told him it was a fresh roadkill I found. He actually helped me load it into my truck. Unbelievable."

S
Steve H.
Alamo Sea, BC
★★★★☆

"The photoshopped hunting photos looked amazing on Facebook. Everyone believed I got that 12-pointer legally during season. Only issue is I had to explain why I'm wearing shorts in the photo when it was supposedly November."

L
Larry T.
Sandy Shores, BC
Common Questions

Frequently Asked Questions

Everything you wanted to know but were afraid to ask

Q: Is this legal?

A: That's a strong word. Let's say it's "legally ambiguous." We operate in the gray areas of wildlife management law. Our lawyers are only one county over if you need them!

Q: What if I get caught?

A: First, you won't if you follow our training. But if you do, our legal consultation package includes bail bond referrals and court appearance coaching. We've got your back! (Until the lawyer fees exceed $5,000, then you're on your own.)

Q: Do you guarantee I won't get a citation?

A: Absolutely not. But we do guarantee you'll know how to run really fast and which swamps are best for hiding. That's almost as good, right?

Q: What's your success rate?

A: 95%! Well, that's the percentage of clients who haven't told us they got caught. We assume the other 5% just stopped calling because they're busy.

Q: Is my personal information safe?

A: We keep all client data on encrypted servers that we definitely own and operate ourselves. The servers are located in... let's just say "offshore." Your secret's safe with us, unless there's a reward program we don't know about.

Q: Do you offer refunds?

A: All sales are final. However, if you can prove in court that our methods directly led to your arrest, we'll give you a 10% discount on your next service. See? We care.

Q: What equipment do I need?

A: We provide the essentials: camo balaclava, fence gap map, and moral flexibility. You'll need to bring your own weapon, vehicle, and willingness to bend the rules of society.

Q: How do you stay in business?

A: Great question! We move our operation frequently, use burner phones, and our "corporate office" is technically a P.O. Box behind a gas station. Plus, our lawyers are surprisingly good at finding loopholes.

Q: What if my vehicle doesn't have front end damage for the roadkill claim?

A: Not a problem! Our roadkill specialist Danny can add authentic-looking damage for an additional $150. Uses real deer hair, blood splatter analysis, and everything. Insurance adjusters never question it.

Q: Can you help me if I'm already being investigated?

A: Depends. If charges haven't been filed yet, absolutely. If you're already arraigned, our lawyer can still help but success rates drop to about 60%. If you've already been convicted... well, we offer prison commissary gift cards as a consolation prize.

Q: Do you offer training for my kids?

A: We offer a "Junior Outdoorsman" program for ages 14+. Teaches basic evasion techniques, how to spot undercover rangers, and the importance of keeping secrets from school counselors. Family tradition starts young!

Q: Can I use PoachPro services for other wildlife?

A: Deer are our specialty, but we've successfully helped clients with elk, wild turkey, and even a black bear once (that was a weird week). Alligators are extra. Migratory birds require specialist consultation due to federal laws being more annoying.

Q: What happens if I get caught using your fence gap map?

A: First, eat the map. Second, call our legal hotline immediately. Third, remember: you found that gap yourself through "extensive scouting." We were never involved. Our lawyer will handle the rest.

Q: Is the camo balaclava really free?

A: Yes! Every new client gets one. It's great for hiding your identity during nighttime operations. Also doubles as a ski mask, which is purely coincidental and not at all related to other potential uses.

Ready to Hunt Your Way?

Contact us today for a free consultation. Remember: we use burner phones for your protection.

Burner Phone (Primary)

(555) POACH-NOW

Changes weekly for security
Encrypted Email

totally-legal@poachpro.bc

PGP encryption available
Meetup Location

Behind the Gas Station, Route 68

Cash only. No paper trail.

Operating Hours

24/7/365 - Because wildlife doesn't respect business hours

Best calling times: After dark, obviously

Quick Contact

Fill out the form below and we'll get back to you via burner phone

🔒 Your information is stored on a server we definitely don't own and will self-destruct in 48 hours. Probably.